Lose Yourself

I wanted to name it Identity Theft but I feel like that might create too much of a stir. But sure enough it often feels like Japan stole my identity a bit.

Most people would call it growing up or becoming mature, but if you think about it I am not even a quarter of a century old. And pictures alone can attest to what my other 24 year old friends are doing on their weekends. And in comparison one might thing that I am purely unAmerican or a hack.
Many things have happened to me over the years. And yes it has been years now. I have officially been abroad for over two years. But one of them I never expected was to lose a bit of my 'American' and yet surely I know no other way to describe it. In my assimilation to fit in and be among the adult population of Japan, I have changed myself, my habits and my American-ness.
Recently, a man, an American man, described me as 'sexy'. My response was to say nothing and pretend it never happened. This is a very Korean response actually, but the Japanese people will do it too. Japanese people like to correct people and tell them how wrong they are with their descriptions, which really just makes the other person insist upon how accurate and sincere they are. But the alternative is to just ignore it entirely happened. Sometimes Japanese people really like to be oblivious to things until they are forcefully pointed out. For example:someone is not very clearly in love with someone else and pulling them all kinds of favors until explicitly in a confession he/she announces his intentions.
But my reaction to this was a bit of revulsion at the forwardness of this person. Japanese people do not really describe others as being sexy and if so, it is sometimes a bad thing where they mean that you look like a whore. If they want to say you look pretty or cute or anything, they pretty much always say kawaii, or cute. They have a word for beautiful, but they reserve that for people specially deserving of it. As I was entirely properly attired and very trim looking, I have ruled it out that I looked like a whore and more presumably he wanted to have more romantic relations with me. But that isn't what this article is about. It is about how in American if someone calls you sexy, you begin to feel a bit sexier and you feel good about yourself and you tell yourself you look hot. But in Japan is it a very different reaction. More or less the reaction that I had. If you are a upstanding Japanese citizen and someone such as a friend said you looked sexy, you might go to the bathroom and adjust your attire to make sure that you were sufficiently covered or you might put on a sweater. If someone less than a friend said that you might be repelled and attempt to cover up a bit more.

Additionally I can sense my Americanism, or perhaps at this point it is more youth vs maturity, draining away when I see young Japanese women on the streets and think to myself 'cover up!' Their skirts come only in one size here, mini. And their shorts are tailored to accent their slender long legs. And if I ever see a sleeveless shirt, even if it is entirely within reason or even business-like, I will think how unsuitable it is and improper for the public. Or perhaps it is me just spying the awkward in the scenario: the one person wearing a sleeveless shirt in a sea of people. That is just happens to stand out against the normal.

And a final example of my identity theft is in my very mannerisms. They have become a bit more quiet and reserved and excessively polite. Exceedingly similar to the Japanese mannerisms. There is no loud conversations on trains or cheering amongst friends, if you so much as pass by someone in an aisleway , you say excuse me for the mean inconvenience of your presence. You even try not meet too many peoples eyes, but then again I do that because I pretend no to notice their stares.
The one part about myself that remains unchanged thus far, is my happiness. I feel that I allow myself to be significantly happier than a good many of my Japanese counter parts. You will not often find Japanese people with a smile on their face when they walk any where. I would even go so far as to say that you have to catch them off their guard to see them smile, when they see an old friend, when something ridiculous occurs where the only solution is to laugh, or when they get proposed to. What I am trying to say is that they rarely feel liberated enough to let loose just a little and crack a smile. This is one thing that I hope I will never lose.