Osaka Obasans

The old biddies of Osaka are ruthless. And shameless


I have had several encounters, but the last one just takes the cake. And yes, Osaka biddies are just different. Way different than Kyoto. And I cant really comment on Tokyo or other places, but you will know what I mean.
So first of all, you need to know how to spot them. They look like cougars. And I don't mean the 40ish old women in America who have an affinity for young men, I mean they dress themselves head to toe in leopard print. In fact, while perusing the recent H&M fashions in Osaka, one of my friends commented on how the Osaka ba-chans must love this shop with all their animal print. Usually it is leopard, though on occasionally your standard zebra or tiger print is also acceptable.
Next you need to know their demeanor. This is no easy thing to describe. If you are accepted by them, you will know it, but if you are not, you too will know it. If they don't outright confront you, because remember,they are still Japanese with all their politeness burdening them, they will mutter or cast those glances at you or possibly talk about you with a nearby person while casting those side-long glances in your direction. But there are the few that will approach you. They will just chat with you and possibly invite you into their home and make you drink tea and talk with them for hours and promise to teach them English. Oh boy. And then keep heckling you to come back and have dinner or go to events, and at this point it is like you have a whole new mom!
But the best and most fun scenario, is to involve yourself in an event. Go to whatever event Osaka is advertising, be it a craft fair, flea market, mini festival, open air arts event, and you will find them. Recently I went to one such event and there were tables set up for arts and tables set up for vending wears and there was a table set up to talk to biddies. And they would accost you in the promenade to come visit their store and once you got close enough to their booth, they would just reel you in. They hunt you, they find you, and then they sit there and chat with you. You would think you would normally make some empty promises and then be about your way, but these ladies don't let those promises go. And you would think to just avoid their booth, but it is right at the entrance, perfect for easy prey.
So they get you sitting down at their booth and there is maybe like 10-15 ladies there and a chair for every ladies' companion. And then they just sit there and have what you would think would be the most awkward conversation ever, but just them sitting there in their crazy cougar outfits and their over the top make up and electric purple eye shadow and wild hair and them asking you about your love like...it is just so hilarious that you can't help but laugh the entire time. Of course if you aren't laughing they are probably berating you for not having a girlfriend or not keeping yourself clean and handsome looking etc. For me, who doesn't speak much Japanese, it was even more hilarious. Imagine a bunch of old biddies fighting over themselves to shake my hand and touch my hair and skin. For some reason Japanese people almost as a whole have gotten it into their heads that we are so different. But I suppose I can understand. I might have been like that in first grade... My kids really love to touch my hair especially. So these biddies were trying to ask me all these questions using English with the easy words and then the hard parts would go off into Japanese. Luckily I have my friend and translator handy. Some of their questions were like Have you found the one yet? Make sure to invite us to your wedding! Get married soon OK?! How old are you (a little rude to ask in Japanese culture)? Who is most beautiful among us? etc. It was really funny. And then came the pictures and everyone clamoring to shake everyone's hands as we left.
I would totally do it again. I also recommend it in this kind of setting. The lonely biddy who has nothing but time is nice occasionally, but remember, they have nothing but time and always want to see you so it becomes a bit burdensome as you make and arrange plans around them.

It was these ladies here.