Japanese food: かす汁

The Right Wing

Salty Melons

Now there is a conflict of interest. 

And Japan is all over it. They actually think me weird for not putting salt on my watermelon slices. It is actually so common for them to eat watermelons with salt that they even sell them next to each other in grocery stores. I can't even be certain if they are aware of the goodness of watermelons without salt. But perhaps it is something you need to grow up with to just accept it like that. Like eating natto for breakfast everyday or raw fish that some people in the West are squeamish about. 

I was over at a Japanese home earlier this summer and the home owner noticed I was about to bite into a nice juicy-to-the-point-of-dripping watermelon an reaches over and salts it for me.

...Uh Thanks? I guess?

Watermelon ruined. Or so I thought. I won't claim it was good. Or that I was necessarily in favor of this new disaster. But it wasn't as terrible as I thought. I can't accurately describe its sensation, just that it reminded me a lot of Gatorade and much less of succulent watermelons. I recommend you try it only to be able to describe it better than myself. And if your hand just can't force itself with salt upon a poor unsuspecting watermelon, have a little old Japanese lady come over and help you with that. 

You Drive me crazy

Driving around Japan is a frightful thing

First off they all drive on the wrong side of the road. And have their steering wheels on the wrong side of the car. How long have I lived here and am still getting used to that? Which side of the car am I on again?
But by far the most frightening thing is turning in traffic. Especially right turns. In America, right turns are allowed even when most lights are red. This is because you rarely disrupt the flow of traffic when you turn right. I mean of course you yield to those who have the right of way. But the point I am trying to make is that right turns in America interfere with no other lanes, you cross no other lanes, you needn't wait for a break in the on coming traffic to go, and lights more or less don't pertain to you. In Japan, that would be the left lane. The right hand turn is now the most dreaded thing. It went from the easiest thing in the world to scaring the poop out of me with the constant reminder that Japan doesn't know how to regulate their roads correctly.

So then with that right hand turn with left-hand mentality thing going for me, you would then think that 'Oh, that would make the left-hand turn a right-hand mentality right?' Wrong. They don't allow you to make left hand turns at red lights. But wait, you thought that well that is a bummer. They change the rules and make it harder and more frustrating right with waiting for the lights? Wrong again. They also do their damndest to make it more confusing. You see there are these blue and white signs with arrows on them that indicate the flow of traffic for the lane you are in. Now if that is a blue sign with a white arrow as they normally are, that means you have the no go. You have to wait like everybody else, or like normal Japanese rules of traffic dictate. BUT if you have a white sign with a blue arrow, you can proceed, yielding to whatever traffic that has the right of way in the process of course, any damn time you please. What.

And then there are the highways. Oh boy I love the highways. They were probably constructed by the most illogical person ever. First of all they give you too much information about where the roads lead. For example, there are two exit ramps which then cross again later so then the following sign will show something like a nose-diving Jesus fish and hope that you will understand which one you are meant to take.
There is one convenient things about these signs. If it is electronic, it will often have displayed for you which route has heavy traffic in case you have an alternate route in mind. Japan is actually really good with their electronic maps and boards that will tell you the weather and traffic conditions along the highways and in major towns appearing every so often.
One last good thing, is that along the highways are rest stops. And when I say rest stop, Japan completely redefines rest stops with convenience stores, multiple restaurants, local goods store, shower areas, sleeping areas, sometimes a malls, the highest tech most cleanly bathrooms. Which, if I am going to be paying that much to use the highway, at least they give us this...

But back to the expressways being frustrating. The highways are not exactly numbered (some have numbers, but no one really knows them and not all the signs use them), they don't necessarily go North to South or East to West, and they have names that may or may not change at points. How you navigate them is you pretty much just have to have the idea of where you are going and then sprinkle a bit of flu power on the road and then a magical unicorn will appear dashing alongside a bunch of dolphins showing you the direction you need to go.
But really. You do have to know relatively where you are going. You also have to know just about every stop on the way. You pretty much get on the highway and then head to a major city that is sort of in the direction of where you intend to go. For example, if I leave Kyoto and want to go to Mount Fuji, I will get on the expressway and then I will have the choices of Nagoya or Osaka. I will choose Nagoya, as it is closer to my destination. Traveling on further I will have another choice once I reach Nagoya, or perhaps I will have a junction and a whole other expressway to merge into or choose from either way I would have to know to head toward a sign labeled Nagano and then on to Tokyo or something in a similar direction and get off when I come across the right town exit (Fujisanyoshida) located between the two major cities (Nagano and Tokyo).

Infuriatingly enough, Japan makes you really pay and arm and a leg for this experience too. Their toll roads do no come cheap. There are times you can use them for cheap, mainly between the times 10pm and 6am. Evidently even if you are only express way only a few minutes during this time, you qualify. Though this might only be if you are clocked in at one of the station during these times. Meaning if you pass the ETC scanner and it marks your progression to another part of the highway or the start or end of your journey. I am unsure about these exact rules. But it is supposedly a pretty nice discount. I think half. Well anyways. Using my example from earlier, to go from Kyoto to Fuji is 3,600 yen and then again to go back. This is on top of gas and parking fees. It makes you wonder why anyone would ever buy a car with prices like that. Especially because their public transportation is so good and they have buses and tours going everywhere at every time of day. Cars are really considered a luxury that they love to make sure you pay fro the privilege of owning.
Speaking of luxury and owning cars, it is sort of popular to have foreign cars here. I talking about having your American car shipped over here. It shows a bit of status to have a steering wheel on the correct side of the car. They even cater to these people for the highways as well by having ticket windows along what would for them be the passenger side of the car. There is a special lane dedicated to it even.

And that....that is what it means to drive in Japan.

Foodies of Japan

Japan is full of foodies. Pretty much everyone is a foodie here.

Every time someone goes somewhere special, even if it is the next town over, you will get food. These little rice cracker omiyages or a sweet cookie flavored in that cities famed orange flavoring. As you might know here, every city is 'famous' for something. And many cities just so happen to be famed for exceedingly similar if not identical things.

But beyond the little food culture presents, everyone here is forever taking photos of their food. You will always know a Japanese tourist in any country if they are the ones taking about 20 pictures of their dinner plates while it grows cold. Turning it different angles trying to get the light and the shutter frame exactly perfect to best accent their delicious dish. And then they might even proceed to whip out their phone to take a few more to upload them to facebook or mixi or whatever other social network they are using.

And then. Then there are the mangoes that cost 20-30 dollars per mango. Or the melons, the cantaloupes that are upwards of 50 dollars or some even nearing 100. Just for a single, solitary, individual, normal sized melon. These melons and mangoes are thought to be perfectly shaped and perfectly colored and the perfect gift. I cannot attest to the taste of them and I almost wonder if anyone actually eats them or just has them rotting on display as a look what perfect amazing melons I have (jokes intended). I also have never seen anyone buy them, which begs the question, what does the store do when the melons and mangoes start to go soft and over ripen? Do they just get placed with the other fruits? Do they go on discount? Perhaps this is all just an elaborate scheme to garner more money by the grocery stores who just switch out the melons with a more ripe one with no one the wiser, because honestly, who really looks and measures how perfectly their melon is shaped? I can say this for the stores though, these delectable are exceptionally carefully packaged and preserved with the best efforts, placed in silk lining and cradled in foam and then packaged up neatly in a nice little box. So maybe you are just buying into the appearance? Wouldn't be the first time anyone bought into appearances (one night stands, wives, material goods, plastic surgery) But who would ever want to buy into this beyond me. Additionally, when all gift wrapped up, no one will really know how much it is worth, unless they are a shapely-melon connoisseur. So my idea would be to by a nice, normal looking melon and wrap it up neatly and make people think that you spent that much on them and then bathe in their worship for your perfect choosing of melon-ness. Honestly, if you are going to spend 50 dollars buying me fruit, I am going to be expecting like a me-sized portion of bananas. Which would be undoubtedly awesome. Especially if it looked like me.

These special fruits in Japan are bought and given obviously on special occasions, perhaps to a retiring boss or to an employee who recently received a promotion, or maybe in the event of a wedding. I can't help but think of this as a way to throw money around and flaunt it. I have so much money I don't know what to do with myself, so let me buy this outrageously priced melon to flaunt it a bit. And oddly, people don't have that much money here. By far and large ( way over 50%) of the money held in Japan is by the elderly who have retired.


Korea actually has something similar to this, but with a much more reasonably priced tag. Korea will sell you boxes of spam or fruit or what have you all neatly packaged for perhaps a third or a fifth of the price. These gift boxes are much more common in their culture and are given on any number of occasions. House warming, recent holiday, home coming, new baby, hair cut. Well you get the point. But these things will normally at most cost you 30 dollars for an extremely nice set of what have you. Also their gift goods have a much wider variety: dishes, towels, spam (a crowd favorite), grapes, even toothpastes (that was a weird one to get!).

I can understand the little rice crackers from every city and prefecture, I can almost understand the food pictures, but this...This is a truly outrageous and bizarre food culture of Japan.

Feathered Friends

Owl Cafes.

This is by far one of the coolest things I have been to. They first opened up in Tokyo and very recently mere weeks or perhaps a month ago, they now have a shop in Osaka in Tenmabashi.
Lucky for me, this shop was not well advertised or known about so I could get in no problem. No ridiculous wait or reservations. But I do not expect it to stay like that for long. Once more people realize what and where it is, there will be an insurmountable surge of people coming.

So how it works is well first you either need to arrive either just before the hour, or a bit in advance to make sure to put your name on the waiting list for the next hour. You see, this cafe goes hour by hour. That's right. You have a whole hour to play with owls. Once you get inside, they will give you a few instructions, such as sanitizing your hands and where to touch the owls, and apologizing in advance if they make a mess on your clothing. I'm talking about poop. The head, neck, and back are generally ok areas for petting, but you should avoid the wings, around the eyes and the fuzzy parts of the feet. Those feet. The cutest fluffiest things ever. So ok, you have now been prepped in Owl 101. And now you need to order your drink. This is a cafe after all! You have the usual list of drink choices like coffees, juices, sodas, wine and beer.
And now! Now, you get to play with the owls. They are perched around a fenced in portion of the room. They rest along a fake grass matted perch with their legs roped to it to prevent flying away. So you can just walk up and pet any one of them. There are perhaps 9 owls of a bunch of different species for the 20 or so people allowed in per time. There are more than 9 owls of course, but some are resting and are look-only, and some are babies that are not yet trained and are blocked in by protective plastic.
You can not only pet the owls, you

can also hold them. They will rest on your arm, shoulder, or even head. The staff will help to situate you so that the owls are spaced out from one another appropriately (don't wanting them squabbling amongst themselves now do we?) and will get you the necessary gloves as needed for the larger variety of owl and will help you to appropriately grip the lead.
But what if these feathered buddies take flight? Well, if you are gripping the rope correctly, then they won't be going too far. The safe are always at a helpful distance just in case of these situations. They gently push on the owls chest and lift it to get its feet firmly back onto your arm and into an upright position. No harm done. A misconception that I had was that these beasties would be heavy, but remember they are birds and can fly, and therefore are much lighter than appearances and when they take flight it is not like a tremendous force pulling on your arm. Startling none the less, but it won't be knocking you down.
But if it flies away and you lose your grip on the lead? Well it isn't going too far the cafe is entirely enclosed and there are curtains pulled over the windows. The latter bit is necessary as if any of you have had birds would know, sometimes they just don't know what is window and what is real. So to prevent these majestic creatures from self harm and head diving straight to a window (also to prevent outside eyes from prying and try to give the place a more personal atmosphere and some mysterious allure) all the windows are blocked from view by a type of scroll curtain. And if your beastie got away, the staff are trained in that too. They merely, go fetch it, take control of the lead (which is really long so I can't imagine a situation where it would be unreachable) and cox the owl down onto their hand. It did happen more than once, and was never a problem. The owls were then returned to the people who were formerly holding them instead of being retired for the evening. Which was pretty awesome in itself that the staff did not take away from the experience. This is not to say they weren't retired after our session. But owls are birds. And birds fly. So It is nature for these guys to stretch a little.
Petting session closes about 5 minutes before your hour is up. And the staff are really polite in telling you to take your last pictures and finish your drinks and ushering you out of the fenced area. This gives the owls a break before the next session.
Once you return to your seats, you will find your drinks which are very thoughtfully covered so that no debris from battle will get inside.

Then it is time to pay up and peace out. You drink and the entirety of the session costs a total of 1000 yen. About 10 bucks. You can also peruse and purchase any of their knick knacks they have at hand, or if you are really well off and attached to one of the owls, they are for purchase as well for an incredible price.

Here is another article on the store if you want to read more on it!
http://petslady.com/articles/osaka_owl_cafe_real_hoot_63295

Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?

For whatever reason you don't escape these people when you leave the United States. And I am constantly surprised by their audaciousness. Especially in Japan.

First of all let me tell you, Japanese people like to be left alone. If you don't know them, they don't really want you to talk to them. I mean of course there are exceptions to everything. And I don't mean that if you are lost and asking them to point you in the right direction or if the next bus stop is Nijo Castle, that you will be greatly upsetting them. They are extremely polite and will most of the time be more than helpful in setting you straight. 

But if you are trying to push your religious opinions on them, it is not looked upon as favorably. Those poor Japanese women are just too polite to tell you to take a hike, so they will let whomever yammer on about all sorts of things. And will then do anything just to get you to leave them well enough alone. They will even thank you for whatever stuff you are trying to push in their hands. However, this tactic only works when you target them alone or at their homes. Otherwise, if you are a politician or a worker with you own set of flyers that you are trying to hand them at some station or other, you will get cold shouldered and brushed passed, or at the very least your flyer will be accepted only to make it into the nearest trashcan. Which is not so near. The local trashcan is actually an endangered species in Japan and is rarely found, and as such, flyers are more commonly not accepted due to the lack of dust boxes in the vicinity. 

But perhaps this is my ever more Japanese mindset speaking when I say that it is extremely rude to impose upon and accost people on the street trying to force your ideas upon them. Especially when Japan is about 70% non-religious. And the majority of the remaining percentage devote themselves to Shintoism or Buddhism, and an even smaller percentage, Christianity.

And the super weird part about these people who violate my personal space, and waste my time, and knock on my door is that they are the most persistent people you will ever meet. They really do not want to take no for an answer and will keep pushing you until you have their book or pamphlet in your hand. I had one lady try to keep pushing a book at me right when I left school one time and it was all in Japanese. It was for one of the numerous cults in Japan that parade around as religions. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out either the news from 20 years back with the Saran gas attacks on the Tokyo subway system or the recent book called 1Q84 by Haruhi Murakami, or just look on the outside of a great number of home where you see their support posters everywhere. Those large hideous pieces of paper featuring some aging, unpleasant stern looking Japanese man or less frequently, woman, that wholly detract from the nice ascetic otherwise beautiful outside appearance of the home. And it is illegal to rip them down, and still more surprising, no one ever does. Well, this lady kept pushing me and I was like 'Lady, Thank you, but no, I don't even read Japanese.' And she kept pushing and then I decided that the best mode of action would be to turn off my Japanese understanding switch, revert to English and be like ' Well I am sorry. Hope that all works out for you. I am going to get going now. Bye!' She persisted a little longer, but with me walking quickly and plainly ignoring her, her will for the chase was short lived.

Other people who are an interesting factor in Japanese frontier of the bothersome people who approach just about anyone, are the Latter Day Saints. Yeah. Apparently moving half way around the world is not far enough to be rid of them. They still come to your door too. And they train themselves to speak a bit of Japanese to convey their message to the wonderful people of Japan. Apparently, it has been said that Japan is one of their largest markets for finding followers...not that I work for a company that supports this group or anything... To spot them is rather easy, as they parade around in pairs and are pretty in-discriminant in their prey. They are more modestly rather than fashionably dressed with these little name tags which is how you can tell them apart from the masses and then know well enough the counter movements you need to make to necessarily avoid them. They will also be porting around some sort of satchel filled with the lords words or works, or pamphlets, you know, the usual marketing. And if you are happily in a relationship with God, it is not enough to persuade them because you are obviously in the wrong one. 

So the best way to avoid them is to clearly just avoid their vicinity. But what if they come to your home? This is troublesome. I just don't like opening my door for anyone who is not giving me money or not a friend. So you can spy at them from your peep hole, but in addition, not living in an apartment without an exterior gate is advisable. If you live in a gated apartment, they obviously cannot come and knock on your door, though they can ring you bell and chat with you over the intercom until you buzz them in or hang up. They know this and thus this type of building acts as a repellent for them. But if you do not live in an apartment with an exterior door to prevent unwanted people from coming into the main building, your door is fair game for them. 

Want to know just one more piece of information? If you open your door, they are allowed to come inside. At least as far as the area where shoes are acceptable are allowed. This is pretty much just the entry way. A very small area. Never the less, a frightening article to know. I have never had to deal with this personally. Most people are too polite to intrude so much. I just read up on it when I was dealing with the people from the NHK. So good luck in fending them off. Equip yourself suitably! 

Welcome to Japan

Somehow hearing this never gets old.

I just love it when walking down where ever, especially in a touristy area and a strange old Japanese man just says 'Welcome to Japan' all grandiosely. It is quite frankly really adorable. Sure I have been here for two years and counting, but I just love it. And it happens quite frequently. And it is always these little old men who are very likely retired and probably speak exactly no English with graying or white hair. They are walking along, and spot me, or any happy gaijin, and look up, afix an endearing pleasent grin to their faces and say 'Welcome to Japan' with an 'l' and not an 'r'. And it is just the most heart warming thing I have ever encountered.
There are a good many people who actually do not want us here. All the right wing crap and stuff. But these little old men are totally worth 100 of those guys.

If you ever want this to happen to you, travel in either small groups or alone. And have a happy or pleasant demeanor.

Money Matters

Japanese people are a little weird when it comes to just about everything. One of the things I have recently learned is that money is just another one of those things.

First of all. I had the grave misunderstanding of being in this exact scenario. When you open your wallet and coins, coins everywhere, just go in a downward tumult toward the floor. So what would you do to minimize the damage? You don't want these little buggers to go sprawling everywhere now. I mean sure in America it isn't so bad. What did you have? Three or Four quarters and about eight dozen pennies. Eh who cares. It is like a dollar. And you wanted those pennies gone anyways. No one will be sadder if you don' pick up two or nine of them. In fact kids love finding those little suckers. Well here too. People would love to find your coins. Since You could very easily have twenty dollars in change. In Japan the one dollar and the five dollar are in coin format so if you spill them, you could really be letting loose a very nice chunk of change. So again, what do you do?
You step on them. You aren't letting those crafty little buggers escape you, no! You need those things for this here ticket machine.
You good sir or madam have just made a grave error. That there action is nicely frowned upon by the good and gentle Japanese folk. It is very disrespectful to the money you see. And in Japan you must respect all things. So you don't step on your money. You just let it roll all over the floor and have to rely on the goodness of Japanese people to either ignore you are most often happens or the kind stranger or two who help you out and pick up a piece or two and hand it back to you. Otherwise you just have to look like a giant oaf of a dog sniffing for a place to poo chasing your money around and picking it up.

The next lesson is a subtle one. One that I am not even sure most Japanese people either know they do or why they do it. This one is much more simply and not a huge social fallacy if you neglect to partake in it. This one is simply the way you carry money around in your wallet. First off, most Japanese people don't like to fold their money, and have been tending toward those longer wallets that keep the bills crisp. Even the men. And they still stick them in their back pockets. It is like a thieves paradise. Though I mean usually there is a chain or something connecting them to a belt loop. Or that murse(man-purse) they carry around like its cool. The other thing is to put the money in your wallet head first. Meaning the head of who ever happens to be on the bill you are inserting would be diving into the riches of your wallet. That way when you take him, depending on the way you hold your wallet, he will come out facing the direction of the cashier.
I cannot even fathom why they really do this. So many silly rules for me to go and mess up about this culture

Let's make a Baby

So this is something I have found I am pretty passionate about. So this might be long. Or short. Depends on how irritated I get. The long let me rant for hours. Or the short I am so irritated I can' even type straight anymore. Just to warn you.

So Japanese women are sooooo much better than the high schoolers in America who don't really look twice at getting knocked up. Yeah sure some do, but I feel like morals are degrading as a whole. And that some women are just meant to live lives such as those in story books like The Giver, as breeders. They were just here on this earth to reproduce and not really support or impact it at all.
At least in Japan you don't have high schoolers getting knocked up every couple of months. But that is about all I can say for them. In America, I am kind of proud of the fact that when you get knocked up, for a large part, women don't feel the need to marry their baby-daddy. I think that is a good thing. Sure the child should have a solid mother and father figure in their lives, but I still feel that if you want to marry it is a very important thing and you should try to live in love for the remainder of your lives. I can't claim to be super Christian or anything, but perhaps that one fact was ingrained in me pretty good when I was younger. Now, living with someone as if you are married, much like the French do, for all goals and purposes pretty much carrying about as if you are married. I am all for that. And if you break up? No divorce. No worries. And you can go live with the next person of your hearts desire. Not saying that it wouldn't be slightly detrimental for any child, but at least it isn't divorce and you don't have to have bitter fights and arguments and lawyers and such. That stuff is wretched. This isn't to say that that isn't how it normally it, but more and more recently, in teens and young adults and even my mom said something to this effect, that it was more commonly acceptable to not marry and just live with a partner (or not) and just live your lives. Though personally, if you ask me, she is saying that so I won't go off and get married in Japan and threaten to live here forever.

But in Japan. Oh Japan.
In the last 3 completely Japanese weddings that I have been made aware of, all three of them had knocked up their girlfriends first. They feel a certain sort of obligation to the unborn. They don't want it to turn out like John Snow. A bastard loved by no one. Right. Not completely true. Regardless. They feel like pregnancy is an excuse to get married. And even if they want to get married beforehand, they will wait until they put a baby in her belly before breaking out the marriage proposals. Honestly, how lackluster. What the test is positive? Then let's get you fitted for a gown. I guess we are walking down the aisle. What should be the most romantic time of your life, suddenly turns into a chore and an obligation. And suddenly you are too fat for dress fittings and you are supporting a huge baby bump and that honeymoon special time is suddenly dashed because you already had it and now have to wake up to either vomit or feed the baby.
The last couple I know wanted to get married, but waited for the excuse of pregnancy to decide to do so. Their wedding party is this weekend. She is 5 months. Also they have known each other less than a year. In the time I have been in Japan, he was dating someone else first for way longer than his current girl and when they broke up he was devastated and wanted to get back together. I met him around a year ago as they just started dating (2 weeks) and he was making some comments towards me that he really shouldn't have in presence of a significant other. I mean nothing too bad. And here we are now. A year later....
There is no romance in Japan. Just people who don't love each other making babies.
I know that was a terrible thing to say. Terrible and true. You will find no hand holding in Japan. No public kissing. No 'I love you's' no over the top ohmygosh proposals. This is not a country for romance. All the women and men are reserved, yet in secret love reading about all these cute over the top little romances in their mangas. Know what doesn't happen in their mangas? Unexpected pregnancy and obligatory marriage. But what can you expect from a country with hardly any sex education and women's contraception not being easily availble and super expensive. Not to mention they look down on you for having it.
To expand upon the our romance issue, let me supply you with a lovely little example I got to witness first hand last weekend I was in Kyushu and saw a couple. She was perhaps 6-7 months pregnant. They were going over rocky terrain, up and down hills, stairs, slippery areas next to a waterfall, and all sorts of stuff  on their way to a sacred shrine (Amano Iwato Jinjya). He supported her, exactly not at all. She is carrying your prodigy around inside her for 6-7 months so far, I think you owe it to her to watch out for her and care a little. But that is just me. I was flabbergasted at lack of  effort.
Before you go about thinking that oh maybe she was just independent, and perhaps she was, this is the thought you have about a country where most adult women either have no job or pretty easily replaceable meaningless jobs by 30 so that they can pop out them babies. In fact, companies prefer not to hire women over here out of college. The reason being is that once they are trained and finally have the routine and have been working 2 or 3 years, they will be looking and getting married and then quitting and then the company has to spend time training and hiring new people to fill those spots and production levels decrease for a while.  Sure it is discrimination, but pretty true discrimination. Of the three purely Japanese marriages I mentioned that I knew of personally, none of the women currently work. Sure that is because one is pregnant, one just had a child and well, so did the other one. But the first of those marriages, she quit her job the day after he proposed. Yup. Guess it is about that time, eh? Finally bagged me a man, guess I don't have to work no more!

I honestly can't decide whose mentality is worse.
The men's who completely disrespect women by using pregnancy as an excuse to get married or think of it as an obligation. If you didn't want said obligation. Then it is your, and solely your responsibility to wrap it. Women don't want to risk that social stigma of contraceptives and have to pay a shit ton for it. But men, men have no excuse for not buying condoms.
Or women, who think that the whole point in life is to find a man and breed. Perhaps that is exactly what it was 200 years ago. But not in the present day. They are making and maintaining their own insipid archetype.
Or perhaps just everyone who thinks that love is not a necessity or prerequisite for baby making. And for some perhaps it isn't. But in Japan apparently just about anyone will do. Know them about 6 months? Better get working on making that belly round. I know a couple who even broke up because the girl wanted no children due to the fact her was a strong carrier for certain undesirable traits, and the man did. So he broke up with her. No love there. Only the biological clock saying BABY TIME for the young buck.

April Showers, Bring May Flowers

Only it isn't April showers, it is June showers. And the flowers don't come a month later, they are in bloom them. But saying that June Showers, tsuyu, bring June Flowers just doesn't sound as good...

But the flower in question is the hydrangea. In Japanese it is called ajisai. It is kind of a big deal about this time of year. As there are temples that revolve around cherry blossom season and their sakura trees, as there are temples with tons of Japanese maple trees and this beautiful fall foliage, there are a few, temples dedicated to the beautiful blossoming of hydrangea flowers. The temples for hydrangeas are definitely a minority as far as themes go for temples.

Also it is oddly more popular to see in the rain. You would think that all the Japanese ladies in the finery would want to stay inside and do their nails or something, but you will see all sorts umbrella-ed out at these temples on a nice rainy day. They think that the rain is the best natural way to view the hydrangeas and that it brings out their very best colors.
And what is more special than sharing this very wet moment of color with your sweetheart? It is finding the blossom that is heart-shaped. Apparently they are rather rare and considered to be pretty special.
Another thing to look for are snails. I am not sure why, but people will constantly draw pictures of hydrangeas and snails together. Perhaps they are a good combination or they both thrive in the rain. Either way, once a snail is spotted people will crowd it trying to take just the right picture of the spirit of the season.

Death and Taxes

There are two things that are certain about Japan. Taxes in particular can be the death of anyone.

Ok, it is not so cool. I am not sure about how much I would have to pay in America, but here I certainly have to pay an arm and a leg for not even being full time employed. I mean, yes, I make more than just about every other girl my age here. Actually I probably average about probably all women in Japan. This would be because they are domesticated house gnomes that waddle about dressing like a cheap night and pushing around their kids. But we aren't talking about them. We are talking about taxes. Statistics show they they can pull in an astounding 1,900,000 yen a year. It looks like a lot, but really it is about 19,000 dollars. That is about average. Men tend to make more. Still a very male dominated society.
So anyways, after my first 'year' in Japan, I actually got paid back for my taxes. This is when you remember that that 'year' consisted of the months August to December for that tax period. And I got paid back very little. Perhaps 3000 yen and change. A nice dinner. Really nice.
This last year, I worked nearly every one of those months, or at least 175 days worth of the year, and I got rewarded for my services with a very nice heavy tax. The funny thing? My taxes pay me. HAH!
Whats more, is that heavy tax right there? We, the gaijins of Japan, actually pay less (albeit not by much) than the citizens. And many of the citizens are kind of furious about it. They want us to be paying the same amount as them. And to enrage them further, there are many gaijins that don't pay. And continue to live here. Perhaps tax evasion is not as big of an issue here in Japan, and people just don't get arrested or deported for it or whatever, but a large amount of self proclaimed people (not working for anyone I am affiliated with) that they just don't pay taxes with no repercussion. Perhaps they have never tried to leave the country and have a fake address registered though...

And for anyone wondering what you should do if you are still an American citizen and living in Japan and what exactly you need to be doing about taxes, you want to be filling out

• 255EZ
• 1044EZ

The 2555EZ form. It essentially is a tax exemption form that you can only fill out that if you made less than 95,000 US dollars outside of the US. And if you are making that much, you need to be getting me a job! You would also fill out the 1044EZ form.  This form pretty much states that you made no income in America for that calendar year.
This process prevents you from being double taxed in both American and Japan.

In addition to the awesome tax money that I have to pay, which is over a thousand dollars, or 100,000yen, your health insurance will also go up.
Your health insurance is at a minumum in the first place because it is based off of what you made the previous years. So my first year, it was about 1,500 because the previous year I was unemployed in Japan. My second year was about the same because I had only worked 3-4 months the previous year in Japan; thus the income for that year was so low, it was considered unemployed. This year however, I worked a full year the previous year and have the taxes to prove it, thus my health insurance skyrocketed. I am now to pay somewhere between 20,000 and 30,000 yen, or 200-300 dollars every month. And this is still considered the kokumin hoken that I wrote about previously. If you have the shakai hoken (shakai meaning society so basically declaring yourself a working member of society), you will pay a lot more. But if you have the shakai hoken, then your company must pay for half. So if your total there was 80,000 yen, you company would pay 40,000yen and you the other half. You can see how the kokumin hoken is still cheaper. Also since I am not considered a full time employee, I would not be eligible for the shakai hoken. 
So pretty much at once, within the same week, you will get hit with a nice heavy tax and a much larger health insurance bill. My total is probably over 300,000 yen. Being an adult sucks

Tsuyu

Tsuyu is the rainy season of Japan. It usually happens from the middle of June to the middle of July or there abouts. It is when Japan is just expected to get a solid month of rain, which will be good for all the agricultural products and whatnot.

An interesting thing about the Japanese government, is that they feel the need to announce everything. So they are always the one telling the public when it is summer, when it is autumn, winter, spring, and when it is the rainy season. Kind of silly if you ask me. They go on TV and all officially announce it and whatnot, every one then knows it, it is on the news sites and newspapers which vary between regions ( Okinawa's tsuyu started nearly a month ago). Supposedly it is to help out the farmers to determine how best to manage their crops at the given time. But recently, the Japanese government made a mistake. They said tsuyu began at the beginning of June this year. The reason for this is because there were 3 straight days of those dark fluffy ever-looming grey clouds and an endless soul-sucking slightly heavier than light drizzle. It looked like for sure tsuyu had come. Funnily enough, it hasn't rained a day since then. There was even talk of renouncing their decision. But like a child who won't eat his peas, they have been obstinate about their course of action. Two weeks later they look like a fool and still haven't renounced it because surely it must be coming soon right? Right?

Call my honey

Honey is a pretty expensive thing in Japan. I mean sure you can find like half a liter of it on sale for 6 bucks, but not the good stuff.

For whatever reason Japan has a sincere lack of honey bees which is rather odd due to how involved they are with their agriculture. And even then, the bees in Japan are just not your usual honey bee. There are no bee keepers with their little collection of traditional white box hives that go and maintain everything in their tan bee keeping suits. Rather there are every so often and in isolated locations these crappily assembled industrial looking cylindrical metal structures. Which probably haven't been checked since the day of their existence. And those, those are the bee hives of Japan. I can't claim to have ever seen a bee near them, but I suppose they must be some what functional since somehow things are getting pollinated. From what I have found, their locations are often somewhere on the mountain side. Not really any where near farms, but cedar trees, which are a whole other sort of farm.
The one pictured here is actually the best one I have ever happened upon. Well maintained, made of wood and more importantly, it doesn't look like someones junk that they just happened to trow away on the side of a mountain. The owners have a little home-grown kind of cafe that they use their spoils for. Really sweet place.

Supposedly in Kyushu there must have some semi successful beekeeper  or another since Japan's only widely publicized honey I know of comes from there. So I suppose it is possible there is an actual beekeeper of sorts in Japan, it is just pretty rare.
Well there is one other place, how famous is it or successful it is I cannot say, but it gained itself a bit of notoriety last year as it happens...these beehives of which I speak, happen to be near  a Hershey's factory. And last year, instead of pollinating flowers like good little bees, the Hershey's factory just smelled oh so much sweeter and the little bees went there to collect their sugar instead. They went home to their hive in droves and again returning like junkies to their dealer needing a fix. With so much manufactured sugar in the honey, it turned it green and needless to say super sweet. And like all other hard drugs, it killed its users.

Bookends

On of the silly things about Japan is that they never want you to know what you are reading.
Which in some respect can be a little more detrimental for the authors if no one is publicly displaying reading your book and thereby advertising it. That's right you! No free advertisement for you! But in actuality, it doesn't hurt the authors terribly. At least Haruki Murakami seems to be doing just fine.

In Japan, every time you buy a book the cashier will either usually ask you if you want your book wrapped, which would mean to cover it in a temporary paper book cover very much like a book jacket, or they would just do it without asking you. This is one of the most bizarre things to me seeing as I am the kind of person to remove a book jacket from a hardcover immediately upon opening it. Not just to preserve the tender paper, but also because the book will slip a little if you use it. The book slowly creeps down and you will see more and more of that book jacket, until you get to a pretty intense scene. The hero has just discovered it!His old professor and ex girlfriend worked up some sort of scheme to use him in a psychological conditioning experiment in which they could profit from loads of blackmail from all sorts of important people affiliated, including the person in charge of the company who provides him sponsorship to continue with his studies with the graduate program! And now, she has caught on to his knowledge and is...SLIPPED there went your book.
And that is why I don't us a book jacket. Also I hope you enjoyed my crappy story I made up!...I didn't think to hard...
Anyways in Japan, everyone has a book cover or two to ensleeve their books. If you are like me, then perhaps you like a bunch of varieties of books and with varying sizes. Not the Japanese. There seems to be three standard sizes of book here in Japan. And really only one that most every book will appear in. But what about Harry Potter? Surely they read that right? and that is a big book. Yeah sure. But they split one book up to 3 or 4 books. Which really gets them like 3-4 times the profit from Japan. If you are familiar with Haruki Murakami, you might know 1Q84. In America, it is sold as one book, but in Japan it is split up into 4 books. All of which will fit that little books cover you have.
The reason for those book covers is that people are exceptionally paranoid in Japan. They don't want you to know what they are reading, they don't want you taking their picture, and yes, they know Big Brother is always watching them. But also it is a matter of privacy. For example, if they are reading a self help book, they don't want you knowing it. But let's be honest. That's ridiculous. The real reason is that it is porn. But then again, oddly enough, people are not so shameful about that. They sit there and read their manga smut rags on the train and you can see all the steamy scenes sitting next to them. And these rags come in those giant magazine sizes that are about 6 or more times the size of a normal american magazine with a very provocative picture on the front. And you can find all these at the local convenience store.
So why the covers? It is just another ridiculous quirky thing about Japan.

Osaka Obasans

The old biddies of Osaka are ruthless. And shameless


I have had several encounters, but the last one just takes the cake. And yes, Osaka biddies are just different. Way different than Kyoto. And I cant really comment on Tokyo or other places, but you will know what I mean.
So first of all, you need to know how to spot them. They look like cougars. And I don't mean the 40ish old women in America who have an affinity for young men, I mean they dress themselves head to toe in leopard print. In fact, while perusing the recent H&M fashions in Osaka, one of my friends commented on how the Osaka ba-chans must love this shop with all their animal print. Usually it is leopard, though on occasionally your standard zebra or tiger print is also acceptable.
Next you need to know their demeanor. This is no easy thing to describe. If you are accepted by them, you will know it, but if you are not, you too will know it. If they don't outright confront you, because remember,they are still Japanese with all their politeness burdening them, they will mutter or cast those glances at you or possibly talk about you with a nearby person while casting those side-long glances in your direction. But there are the few that will approach you. They will just chat with you and possibly invite you into their home and make you drink tea and talk with them for hours and promise to teach them English. Oh boy. And then keep heckling you to come back and have dinner or go to events, and at this point it is like you have a whole new mom!
But the best and most fun scenario, is to involve yourself in an event. Go to whatever event Osaka is advertising, be it a craft fair, flea market, mini festival, open air arts event, and you will find them. Recently I went to one such event and there were tables set up for arts and tables set up for vending wears and there was a table set up to talk to biddies. And they would accost you in the promenade to come visit their store and once you got close enough to their booth, they would just reel you in. They hunt you, they find you, and then they sit there and chat with you. You would think you would normally make some empty promises and then be about your way, but these ladies don't let those promises go. And you would think to just avoid their booth, but it is right at the entrance, perfect for easy prey.
So they get you sitting down at their booth and there is maybe like 10-15 ladies there and a chair for every ladies' companion. And then they just sit there and have what you would think would be the most awkward conversation ever, but just them sitting there in their crazy cougar outfits and their over the top make up and electric purple eye shadow and wild hair and them asking you about your love like...it is just so hilarious that you can't help but laugh the entire time. Of course if you aren't laughing they are probably berating you for not having a girlfriend or not keeping yourself clean and handsome looking etc. For me, who doesn't speak much Japanese, it was even more hilarious. Imagine a bunch of old biddies fighting over themselves to shake my hand and touch my hair and skin. For some reason Japanese people almost as a whole have gotten it into their heads that we are so different. But I suppose I can understand. I might have been like that in first grade... My kids really love to touch my hair especially. So these biddies were trying to ask me all these questions using English with the easy words and then the hard parts would go off into Japanese. Luckily I have my friend and translator handy. Some of their questions were like Have you found the one yet? Make sure to invite us to your wedding! Get married soon OK?! How old are you (a little rude to ask in Japanese culture)? Who is most beautiful among us? etc. It was really funny. And then came the pictures and everyone clamoring to shake everyone's hands as we left.
I would totally do it again. I also recommend it in this kind of setting. The lonely biddy who has nothing but time is nice occasionally, but remember, they have nothing but time and always want to see you so it becomes a bit burdensome as you make and arrange plans around them.

It was these ladies here.

Lucky Lizards

So in addition to swallows, many thing will bring you luck in Japan if you have yet to figure that out.
But by far the most bizarre that I have encountered are geckos. And in this case, it is not only a superstition in Japan, but that one will follow you all around Asia. It pretty much just goes like this, if you have geckos on your house or building, it is foretold that it will be prosperous.
You see, these guys really like climbing and they are only about the size of your palm to fingertip and they can easily grasp the stucco or the weird clay that they used to make houses out of in Japan and climb up all over it. So it really isn't so irregular to find them hanging over your doorway, especially the farther south you go. Japan being as geographically central as it is and having 'four seasons and all' (this is the most annoying thing to be told by locals. also all my life I have grown up in areas that have 'four seasons'), you actually don't see these geckos all too often. At least not up north. They are more summer lizards for us, but I suppose the rarity of them is what makes them special. Not everyone is allowed to be lucky you know?

New Apartment

So after the long and arduous search for an apartment (approximately 2 days) these ended up being the two that were short listed

Fender Bender

Traffic rules go a little differently in Japan. They drive on the wrong side of the road, there are less police enforcing proper driving etiquette and it just seems like they care a whole lot less in general.

The ones who do care are the citizens. Not that they really care about their driving or that pedestrian about to cross the road or anything. They could care less about that. They care about their cars and their appearance. I am not sure if this is what comes from being a country devoted to the make and drafting of cars so early on, or perhaps it is the fact that not everyone owns one, let alone more than one per family. Either way, they take impeccable care of their cars. I am not just talking about cleaning either. You will be hard pressed to find a car with dents or scratches on it. This goes doubly for taxis.
Once upon a time a taxi hit me on my bicycle (this was a long time ago) on one of the many back roads behind Kyoto buildings. Nothing was wrong, there were no dents or bruises. Perhaps just a little hurt pride of the taxi driver. After all he had to report it. And call the cops. And persistently insist that I must see a doctor. Well the reports and the cops were unavoidable, but I promise you I did not go to a hospital for such a silly thing. Pretty much taxis are obligated to do procedures as such because they then have to report it to their company and if there was any damages, they need to be notified right away with a report filed so that their cars and reputations will remain in tact.
To maintain such public face, they get their cars in the repair shops stat and get any dents and dings hammered and polished out. It is the same with most people in Japan. You will not find many cars with dents or scratches on them, I would almost say that you would have a better chance of finding the lucky taxi. It is actually quite the same in Korea. Once I witnessed an accident go down and my car insurance friend showed up to work out the details and later explained it to me that fault doesn't matter as much into it as they will both pay a bit for the others repairs. One will obviously pay more...Anyways, he is called immediately even late at night to the scene so that they can get the car to the repair shop immediately.
It seems odd to me since in it was a bit of the opposite as in America. People would get in a fender bender and then decide that it was only aesthetic and then just leave it for months of years at a time. I can promise you my family still has that one car that has the giant scratch from where Jeff backed into the mailbox when he first started driving. Yup. Never fixed that one. 

Signs of Swallows

In America many people flock to the tattoo shops for permanence and symbolism. Everyone wants to unique and memorable. All the boys want tribal tattoos or skulls and stars and the girls will all have stars and feathers and birds. Especially birds. Swallows.

In America, swallows came to be of some significance not too long ago. I feel like it was my college years. And I can't even say what brought it about. It is not like we had many of them flying around, at least not to the degree that I find here. But I do know what they began to symbolize among the masses. The same thing everything else does. Love. Swallows are unique little birds that are said to mate for life never changing partners. 

In Japan, it is an entirely different matter, you don't see them on people bodies, nor their shirts, nor their accessories or jewelry. You find them where anyone else would find a bird: in the sky. Swallows are the bringers of summer here. A lot like uguisu is the bringer of spring with its warbles. Swallows chittering and nesting is the onslaught of summer. But more important than that. It is said that they're lucky. 

Many places, restaurants, store fronts, and homes will try to warn people of their presence when they are nesting nearby. The little birds are said to bring good fortune to nearby businesses and prosperity to all establishments where they adorn themselves. As such, places will put up signs, tell patrons to be a slight bit mindful of them, or merely lay down some news paper to capture their droppings making the street easier to clean. An additional mention or perhaps superstition, never have I seen anyone taking down their nests. 

Swallows will typically build their nests right under the overhang of a building. That little awning it has right before the street. And if the birds are more fortunate, the awnings or overhangs will have a little lip, ideal for nesting and catching little ones as they begin their tortuous lessons of flying. 

For rent

Renting people in Japan is no new thing. There are hostess and hosts bars, there are call girls and there was that interesting sleep partner one for the sleep cafes. And now I find that you can rent a person for just about doing anything. I don't know how I manage to still be surprised at these things.
I find it insanely interesting that it is possible to rent a person for an outing in Japan. I mean sure it is no different than going to a hostess club and paying for their services to sit and chat with you, or summoning a call girl to come to your home, except that there is a lot less regulation. You are not going to have driver come and pick you up at a location at a certain time where you have been the entire time, you are not going to their established place of work where every action is monitored by their pimps, I mean hostess mammas. But to actually rent a person and just do normal things like going out and about, to a zoo or a park or shopping...
In reality, it is really not much more different than an escort, except I am under the impression that for the duration of the visit all clothing articles stay on. It is more like you are renting a character to play a part in your life. You are renting yourself a boss to command you to work to get you out of that game night where you made a bet that you are really starting to regret. Or better, you are finally getting married to your dream girl, only you lied to her family about having a job and now you need to rent a bunch of people to pretend to be a law firm where you practice. Of course you would have to have enough money in the first place for that to be possible, but hey, maybe you are a undesirable drug smuggler with extra cash lying around. Not that there are many of those kinds in Japan, but I suppose its possible. Probably the best excuse for using such a service though, would be to rent a boyfriend or girlfriend and get seen with them in tons of public places to get that creepy weirdo stalker or ex to leave you alone.
And whats more??? You can rent an entire family. Wanna go see that new Iron Man movie and don't want to go alone, rent a family, you can even have your choice of brothers and sisters.  Now that, is weird. It is like this service especially caters to Batman.
However this is a one time service kind of thing. You cannot keep renting the same person over and over. This isn't a call girl or a host/hostess. This is a rent-a-person. And they don't want you falling in love or stalking them. They are purely there to keep you company for a single duration of 8 hours. They even come with a fake name and address to make sure preventative measures are taken against any undesirable actions. Of course you can rent a person from the company again, it just can't be the same one. This also lowers the chances of repeat customers.
All this for the low price of $150.00 per person. And a discount for a family (once you realize what having siblings is like they go for half price) at $350.00 for the whole bundle.

Am I not selling you well enough? Are you not Batman?
Well there are other services too. Of course there are the other services, but I am not talking in a sexual manner. There are bed partners. Extremely similar to the cuddle and sleep cafe partners who will come to your home just to sleep next to you. And it is exactly that. No funny business. Of course you can do other things too, like dining or cleaning or cooking, provided that you provide the dinner, equipment or ingredients, but there is a strict policy of no touching.
What is to say that other things happening behind closed doors or how they enforce their policy. I have no idea. I would imagine there was some kind of emergency call button the man or woman could press if things were progressing in an unsavory manner.
Sleeping not exactly your thing? You can even plan a tasteful dream date with a companion for no small expense.

Really the intricacy and detailing of these sales pitches are really quite interesting. I really wonder about how their businesses are going...
Rental Persons
Tasteful Sleeping and Date services

Japanese Traditional Houses

I am sure for just about everyone when someone mentions Japan. Or maybe Japanese houses or that they live in Japan, someone is already picturing something in their minds.
That something might be sleeping on the floor in one of their infamous futons, or perhaps it is the screen paper doors that line windows and door frames. Or maybe it is just that they are small in general in comparison to houses in most other countries. Maybe it is always having a bath at the ready. The tatami floors. Or those fancy toilets? Wood floors? Lower ceilings? Smaller door frames? The little step at the entry way of every building where shoes do not cross?

Well in my experience, just about all of the above are true. And then some.
I have had several chances now to stay at other people homes. As weird as that is to say. Lovely citizens who really adhere to every stereotyped tradition. I even ate sushi and green tea with them the first time I met them. But it is not just that lovely old pair, but other as well. Being me sometimes gets you invited into households which are then left defenseless for my inspections.

First of all, when I stay the night, there is no guest bedroom to go to. There is no space for that sort of nonsense in Japanese houses. Well there is a spare room normally of sorts. Perhaps it was the room of a child who has since moved out or just a storage room or exercise or well, who really knows. But it is transformed into a guest bedroom of sorts during my stay there. Futons are rolled out and pillows are fluffed and everything is all neat and orderly. On the floor. This is not out of the ordinary in the slightest. Especially if the room is comprised of tatami mats. The reason for that is that any western bed would greatly damage the tatami mats, which you would want to preserve as long as possible (also they take up a lot of space which is a prized possession in the bitty little houses they have here). Tatami mats are the threaded bamboo flooring that are woven together. I have been told that they are warmer than the wood flooring for feets in the winter and that they are cooler as well in the summer. I have yet to prove the later. But I can attest to the former with my new apartment (trust me I promise I will update on that...soon...). Anyways perhaps Japanese people just never had a fear of snakes ever just slithering up into their bed, or maybe we just have too many where I am from, enough for me to have that fear when I was younger (now). I would guess that they actually do have a lot less here. I have never seen one at least.

Futons are usually just a 5-10 centimeter padding. I wouldn't exactly call it a mattress but it reminds me of the tri-fold foam pads you can buy for your beds (like when you go to college and realize that the 'bed' the offer is slightly better than a rock). But better than any of those mattress pads/ foam mattresses. On top is another futon, but this is where it gets confusing. They are both called futons. One is called a shiki futon and one is called a kake futon. The shiki futon is the one you sleep on top of; so the mattress-like one. And the kake futon is what we, in western culture call a comforter.

And those crazy paper doors?
Just like the paper windows you see above. Sometimes I feel like I can't be the only one who has stared at one in wonder of how they just don't fall apart. I actually even watched a...type of game show? documentary? how would I classify that? Well what happened was that they developed this new type of paper for the doors and then they went all out of their way with ridiculousness to show the audience how awesome it was. Some of the things they did were shoot 95 km/h baseballs at it. They had a few lions try to scratch it up. They drenched it in water. They had a big black boxer named Bobby (a regular comedian on Japanese telly) punch the crap out of it until he hurt his hand...but he did succeed. But Bobby was the only one. Nothing else worked. Sure the baseball dented it, but it didn't rip or break. And for the record, all of these activities would normally break this type of paper screen. So what happens when it does break? The simply patch it. There are actually a bunch of repair guides out there for this sort of situation. They will often patch it with origami paper as well. I mean if you are going to patch it and everyone will be able to tell anyways, just go all out and make it fabulous. Pretty much the advice they take on it at least. Probably once a year they will replace the paper too. First they soak the doors or windows that need replacing because of their heavy damages to get off all the old paper. Then they place a glue on the door frame and its lines. And then finally the paper on top of that. Then I am told they get it wet a bit to make the glue less visible and blend it, but also to stretch the paper taut. Seems pretty time consuming considering the amount of doors and windows that need it. But it is a classic. A staple of Japan. And I suppose that once kids move out (if ever) it becomes a lots less tiring since they don't need replacing as often.
Another annoying type of door I have discovered recently is just the normal sliding paper doors, as seen below. Sure they look innocent enough...just don't get them wet. Don't even think of trying to just smudge that little smear on it off with a bit of water. All it takes is a bit. And your paper is forever disfigured, albeit minorly.

As for the restrooms...
They are exactly as you might expect. They since a little song and opens its mighty jaws lid when you enter the room. Lights. Camera! Action!!! Perhaps it is just the lights. The toilets lights up, its inside lights up, the room lights up it is like a runway show for your poop. Disinfectant is sprayed in a nice little mist and then you sit down upon your throne and a gurgling sound is made. No one likes to listen to themselves take a leak in Japan. You do your business and depart and it sings to you and closes the lid and flushes. If there is a sink attachment it would run at this point and you could wash your hands. Of course this is mostly in the homes and not the apartments. Or at least not my apartment.

And then in addition to their toilets which are such an upgrade from the squatty potties that the stations and most schools have to offer, they have their bath tubs. With these magical things you can fill them at a desired temperature at the press of a button. And if you forget? You can have it reheated at the press of another button. And to contain the heat, nearly every house will have some sort of plastic covering device so you can cover it for the next person. Yes the next person uses your bath water. Yup, weirds me out just a little too. But I suppose you have to think of it more like a hot tub without the jets. Also they don't put half as many smells into their bathtubs as I do. Ok more like non, because half would still be something. Which would make it a slight bit more sanitary for other people.

Japan home staples are certainly one of a kind. And they definitely do not disappoint.

ハンカチ

handkerchiefs.

Those long forgotten pieces of cloth used in delicate and rather fancy situations like tea time on that old estate out on the moors of England. Or maybe not quite that. But never the less, not an article forgotten by Japan.
Yes, Japan too used handkerchiefs. They are rather fond of them actually. But this is not just past, but also present. I think that most people might have a handkerchief for every day of the week or more. They have of course been using it for less dainty activities, such as dabbing or straight up wiping the sweat off their faces in the summer time. It is of course used by damsels in distress. It is a common concept in their dramas for a guy to spare a girl in need a handkerchief. Then of course she must wash it and give it back, giving her a chance to see him again and he just happens to be her crush and then complications and then omg love. But that is all of them right?
Almost never are these little beasts, the handkerchiefs  ever used for their suspected purpose of blowing noses. I cannot tell you why, only that it is considered gross and kind of rude. But the rude part probably stems from the fact that it is just rude to blow your nose in public and you are just expected to suffer the sniffles until you can politely excuse yourself to the toilet or some other private room where upon you can blow your nose. Perhaps blowing your nose into a handkerchief is seen as disgusting not only because you are blowing your nose in public, but also that handkerchief is perceived as being used for other purposes; therefore the thought of your wiping your snot all over your sweaty body is just nasty.
However the most common and annoying usage for these little buggers is so that everywhere has an excuse to skimp on hand towels to dry your hands and not have hand dryers in bathrooms. This is just way too common a theme for all over Japan. I mean I never remember to bring mine! And before you say 'Oh keep it in your purse/ pocket', that logic will work for malls and stations and such, but at my work not so much. Also pocket? come on I am a girl, if you can fit a hand towel or pretty much anything bigger than a tube of chapstick in your pocket you might be looked at a little weird, also an honorable mention for skirts and dresses which have none. But back to purses, it would be weird to carry my purse all around work and into the the restroom, or if I just carried it into the restroom probably every teacher would assume I had a scenario like last week.... Besides, then it would mean I would have to remember my purse as well and let's face it, I have a hard enough time remembering the little piece of cloth. Keep in mind that I have been calling them little pieces of cloth, but they really can't be compared to the handkerchiefs of days passed. These are more like little towels in the size and shape of handkerchiefs, but can clearly absorb quite a bit more water and have that same, but to a much smaller caliber, towel like material on one or both sides and will often feature some kind of print on the side opposite the towel, those occasionally both, sometimes they are embroidered or patterned. Japan has really just taken this idea and ran in every direction with it.
The idea is pretty great, until you kind of soak it and are carrying around what is effectively a damp tissue the rest of the day. Can you imagine carrying an oversized wet tissue in your bag? And then you casually just reach into it to grab your phone and your fingers just happen to brush it. And you have that momentary pause. That mind cringe. Who knows what bacteria could be growing in this bountiful environment. A nice moist, dark space, in the bottom of your bag where all kinds of things go. And not just that, but that very cloth comes in frequent contact with your hands! And your hands, they shake other people, they touch all kinds of things, they are the most common contributor to what later develops as a cold or the flu. But relief! You find your phone. But your relief is short lived. Is it just you, or does your phone case seem slightly damp. You don't really want to put it up to your ear now when you answer it. It is just like delivering those little happiness-devouring bacteria right to the source. Well you get the idea. I am no germ-o-phobe (mysophobic), and I honestly think that the handkerchiefs are a pretty good idea in these kinds of situations (the bathroom ones, not the bacteria fedex), but I also think that in this day and age, and the fact that the majority of the world does not use handkerchiefs for this express purpose, that Japan could benefit in investing in some more hand drying mechanisms. Also that the rest of the world should carry a little towel/handkerchief just in case they ever find their-selves in this kind of situation.

A Whole Bloody Mess

Gentlemen be warned.

I know life sometimes seems perfect, and to some, my life seems perfect in Japan. And I am just here to say, well it is. Ok well it is most days. Some things could just happen to anyone anywhere, but it just brings the message home that you can't escape everything, and coming to Japan doesn't make you immune. Humiliation just seems to follow me.


Pretty real life story here.
Some days are more rosy colored than others, and yesterday was all kinds of rose colored. The red rose kind. This particular stored happened yesterday. And I tell it as I let all my laundry hang out to dry in every sense of that phrase. The day started out as I walked with an office member to my new school for the year. My elementary schools got changed a bit. I have 3 schools I attend: a junior high school (middle school), and two elementary schools. One of my elementary schools got switched out for another one recently, so on my first visit to the new school, I got a personal escort to show me the way, as well as to review my first lesson to make sure all was right in the universe. Everything was. The school was nice enough. The teachers, kind. I even saw a friendly familiar face among the teachers as I stumbled over my introduction in Japanese. The kids were super cute and genki too, which is just the best kind. My first lesson only went with a minor hitch. The lesson went as so:
I would first greet them and then we would play a bit of a guessing game for them to earn my name, sort of similar to hangman for the lettering and spaces, but hangman was ruled as too gruesome a game to officially play in school, so there was no set penalty/death. Before you ask, it is too gruesome since it involves someone hanging and Japanese people just don't need any more influence for those kinds of actions. So after achieving my name, I move on to a quick introduction. In which they continue their guessing with where I live and how old I am. I do a quicker introduction of my family and proceed with an ice breaker game. I give them all a piece of paper and have them write 3 things they like. These kids are grade 6 and some of them are up to the challenge, but not all just so you understand the level. I help the ones not quite up to it and encourage others to write in romanji. We then cumple them up and have a little snow ball fight and then everyone finds one and we do the little game. It goes where one person stands up and says 'My name is _______. I like....[reading from the found paper]'. The only hitch with this was one little girl could not find a paper and get silently distressed. More so as the class progresses. And then she breaks down into tears when she hears her paper knowing she couldn't fit into the game. I quickly design my own paper and give it for her to read and then have her pick on a friend to go next. I hold her hand the entire time. She is reduced to the sobbing hiccups by the end and I could not feel worse for her. This was in the last 3 minutes or so of class, so it otherwise went by really well. The office member of the company I work for said that the lesson was rather good and gave a slight suggestion to avoid the little fiasco in the future, and that was that. Everyone departed and I relaxed. Whew crisis averted. Time to mentally prepare myself for the next class.
I begin wiping the chalkboard and sneeze from the dust a few times. And then, that's when. I felt something wet between my legs. Not going where you are thinking boys. I am feeling that 'Ohhhhh SHIT' feeling right now with 5 minutes to go before my next class. I think to myself, well maybe it is not so bad, maybe it will hold out until after the next class when I will have a 20 minute break to go and clean up. I sit down. Then I notice I have a few little spies from the first grade. We play a little game of peekaboo and I scare them off a few times, each time with them getting bolder. I finally give chase and capture one and lift him into the air letting out a maniacal laugh. That moment. I maybe have 2 minute left of my break. And I felt that sinking feeling again. I knew it was worse. By a lot.
I let him down. Scan the hall for the toilet and I am out of luck. It's the mens room. The toilet is down stairs. I scare off the boys one last time. I don't want them to witness anything so if they are running screaming, all the better. And I make a dash for it. I can tell the damage once I get to the toilets. Its bad. There is blood all on the outsides of my crotch. Panties are soaked. Balls. And for anyone before you ask, yes, girls do tend to know when it is coming. However this was more like the second coming of the Red Seas as they washed up on Panty Bay. I mean I had just finished this business yesterday. Right?? Well guess not. So I sit there bleeding trying to minimize the damage and scrub my panties out a bit. If they are dry they can't do any more damage to my pants. Now the mirror and the sinks to this bathroom are shared by both the girls and the boys. They are also open to the hallway and the elements and every single person passing by. I stick a wad of toilet paper between my legs and pray that I will make it. I dress and head for the common sinks. I check myself in the mirror there. Ok it's pretty bad, but if i pinch my but, hopefully I can make it through the next class.
I return the class just as the last person was filing in. Great impression for my first day. How will they ever like me? Ok, don't despair, I can salvage this. I get in and do a fantastic class. I automatically know that this one will be my favorite. They are super genki and active and I am loving it. It's just fantastic. It was pretty much all thanks to this one boy, Fukutaro. He was pretty exceptional in English, but he was a class act and funnily enough, every single thing he said was wrong when he guessed. He was so comical about it, it made me so relaxed and the class cracking up. Hopefully no one noticed.
At last, when the class is over, I make another mad dash first to the teachers room to get that life saving tampon, that has never more looked like on of those life preservers with its little string when thrown out to sea. Pretty apt metaphor there when I think about it. I undress and review the damage. And sweet night, my pants are red for 4 inches down. Ok. Right. I have 20 minutes to fix this. I can't walk out of the toilet room with my pants off to wash them in the sink since EVERYONE will see me, and to make it even worse, it just happens to be parents day. Man, I really wish I could be making some of this up. School changing. First day. Reviewed. Toilets with no private sink (if there was a teacher toilet, I was not told). Parents day. ONE of those must surely be made up right?! So anyways, what had happened was the blood just smeared all around wreaking havoc upon the lightest pair of khaki pants I own. It really would be too much for the story if they were white wouldn't it? Well I was a small bit lucky there. Really wish I had worn my blue pants now. Too bad I spilled curry juice on them last night.
So what now? I can't go two more classes and the rest of the day with bloody pants that everyone can see right? Correct. I go to town on that fresh roll of toilet paper and as I wondered what my company would think if I just went home after being reviewed and if they would understand, but then again this is a new school, but hey this is an emergency, which would look worse, maybe the worker who reviewed my lesson hadn't gone too far and could bring be a pair of pants, yeah right, that is also pretty embarrassing, well at least shes a woman. In the end of all my conscious thought, I decided to stay, going home would be possibly an hour and a half adventure and then everyone would see my blood stained butt on the way home too. Humiliation. So I stayed in the stall and scrunched up the toilet paper and...dipped it in the toilet water. Try not to wretch. And started scrubbing. I went through several hand fulls of the stuff and if you don't know how well toilet paper just manages to stay together when wet, well it just doesn't hold a candle to Brawn or Bounty or any other paper towel you can think of. The stuff is miserable and I am just shredding it. After a while I deem it sufficient or just that there was no more time to be spent scrubbing with the remaining minutes I had. And started to scrub and vigorously pat dry with some dry toilet paper.
I redressed best I could and tried not to think about my toilet water washed pants and checked myself in the mirror. Great. Just peachy. It looks like I wet myself. And not the potentially cover-able bit from before where if I just hiked up my pants a bit and pinched my butt cheeks everything would be unnoticeable  We are talking like you clearly have water all over your crotch and butt-seem. It makes me wonder how bad/noticeable everything was before I washed it. Well I suppose it is better than the alternative. I get to class before all the students more or less sprinting there so that the kids didn't see my pants and start telling everyone that the new gaijin teacher wet herself. I strategically place the desks and a trash bin atop of it and a few other things to hide the view of my crotch. I also found an old grimy dust clothe that I repurposed to a continuation of trying to dry my crotch. I stop what could have been a pretty embarrassing situation/action before the students came in and found me like that.
I continued to teach the class hiding most of the time, but to be honest, I kind of think the teacher, a young-ish male and also in charge of me more or less for that school (he is the English-teacher coordinator), might have seen. But there is a small trick you can do with the students, make your face interesting enough and keep them entertained,  and they will never really concern themselves with things below your face. Be dynamic. I gave it my all. I didn't really see if any student gave hint that he or she knew my secret, so I think I was safe. Perhaps midway through the class, my pants were dry and the damage was covered. It just cost me pride and gained me some humility. It is a terrible exchange rate between the two and I would not really suggest it, but I suppose it is good to have currency in both sometimes.
So I survived the class and the following one, and the rest of the day as a matter of fact. No my pants weren't fully free from staining, it was just one of those days, but it was light enough that unless someone was giving me a 'dat ass' look, I don't think any one would notice. They didn't even smell that bad with the toilet water and all. Or I suppose it is possible that when you just smell so horrid, you become a bit acclimated to it and everyone else can smell your putrid stink. I have no idea. Everyone was really kind to me, whether they knew or not, for the rest of the day. I did think I saw a few of the teachers who saw those particular classes giving me a weird glance, but I couldn't be sure so I just held my head high and carried on.

TL;DR: some days are just a whole bloody mess.